There are times when we misalign. When no matter what we do we can’t even get a handle on ourselves. Sometimes you have to just let things run their course and wait for a guiding light to hove into view of its own accord. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes that guiding light can come from somewhere unexpected.
I have been out of sorts for a while, plodding through my day to day routine, not really getting a handle on myself. Uninspired. Waiting for something. It’s mostly down to moving, my disinterest in routine and just getting into a new swing of things. Moving seemed like the most exciting thing in the world. Now it’s here, life is the same, but with just a bit more space. And my sex life hasn’t been inspiring me that much. The one I want, the one who triggers that ‘thing’ in me is frustratingly unavailable at the moment. I refuse to go elsewhere. So I did what I always do. Shut off. I’ve just been sitting, waiting for that guiding light. It always turns up eventually.
My coping strategy, if that’s what you can call it, was summed up very succienctly by a fellow blogger who wrote about how he can just shut off, not answer people, and compartmentalise. I do this well, as anyone who has tried to keep up a conversation with me on email, text, kik or Whatsapp will undoubtedly attest to. It may be that I have a slightly autistic personality. It may simply be my lack of need for people. I don’t need that human connection like most people. I’ve been like that all my life. It’s me.
Anyway, a few days ago that something made its presence known in the form of another kinkster whom I found quite unexpectedly on Twitter. We worked each other out through our writing and I’ve enjoyed his work immensely for his honesty, his openness, his graphic descriptions of every sexual encounter and every thought he’s ever had. It’s the blog I’ve been looking for.
Sexually we align perfectly. The kinks are there, the ethics are there, the moral grounding is there. He fits perfectly because of his exhibitionist nature which draws something out of me. I do have a thing for exhibitionists. I love that confidence, that bravado, that lack of worry over what someone might think. It’s a breath of fresh air in a world which is so inhibited.
And I’m pleased to say that he will never be mine because he is spoken for in the most beautiful of open relationships you could ever hope for. Even better, it looks like we are going to play. The boundaries are set. The limitations, or lack of them, are clear and laid out. Better than that, because I feel comfortable with him even in these not so tentative early days, trying new things, kinks I’ve always wanted to do but never found the right person to do it with, may now be a reality.
A clear and open dialogue is paramount for me. I need the other person to be an open book because I am not. It creates a balance that allows me to trust. I am not good at sticking my neck out. I need to have a handle on direction and expectation so I know if I am not going in the wrong direction. Rejection is a hang up of mine. I expect that kind of honesty off the bat, from the outset, with the people I’m going to play with. I need that open dialogue to give me confidence, to add predictability to them, to our relationship, to sex. Once it starts it’s good for my own confidence. It opens me up to them.
This will be liberating if it happens. This could be a turning point in my domme psyche. And it is largely because he is in reaching distance, not an internet presence, or a vague possibility. This is a tangible thing. He is not a timewaster.
He is everything I want to be and his confidence and his sexual awareness have been inspiring and of course triggering. In fact he has flicked several switches in me and I feel that I am maybe getting back on track, providing the momentum is kept up. He is, in that respect the perfect play partner.